Life is precious

The fall weather has officially arrived.

As much as I adore sweaters, pumpkin spice, and Halloween, this time of year always leaves me feeling melancholy.

Of course, last year at this point in time I was still having an extremely hard time. I had been away from home for over a month, but still couldn’t quite figure out how to do this college thing. To be fair, I definitely still don’t have it completely figured out, but I was still pretty lost at that point.

Looking around at the leaves changing color and everyone happy as a clam in their flannels, you may ask, how could anyone be sad?

On October 20, 2015, my Aunt Loretta died of breast cancer. She was 38 years old, and had two young children, ages one and four.

This was my junior year of high school, and I had a choir concert the night before she passed. I knew that night I was dedicating every song I sang to Aunt Loretta, taking every last ounce of strength I had in my body to keep it together when I knew what could happen in the morning.

Aunt Loretta is probably the strongest woman I’ve ever known, besides my mother. After she had her second child, she was diagnosed with breast cancer for the first time. She went through chemotherapy, and spent months recuperating. Eventually, we thought she had conquered it.

But one night the summer before my junior year of high school, my dad came into the living room with the worst news we could’ve asked for. Aunt Loretta was sick again, and this time, it was bad.

I remember feeling like I had just gotten punched in the stomach. My head was spinning, my palms were sweating. The only thought in my mind was, “why?”

That night was only the beginning of the rough road ahead. I started off the school year with tired eyes and a heavy heart. For a long time, we were hopeful. We knew somehow, and some way, Aunt Loretta would battle this. She was a fighter, after all.

Around the beginning of October, her health continued to decline, more rapidly. With each passing day, I grew more hopeless, and more confused than ever. I think what made it even more difficult was seeing how this affected my family. We’re a tight knit group, but there many nights where we spent time alone in our thoughts instead of with each other.

On October 19, 2015, I knew it was bad. I knew there was a chance that would be the day, or maybe the next. I couldn’t let myself believe it. I got in late that night and when I got up for school in the morning, I heard my parents’ voices outside my door. I squeezed my eyes shut, praying it wasn’t true.

As soon as I walked out of my bedroom and saw the look on my dad’s face, I knew. He didn’t even have to say it, I didn’t want to hear it. She was gone.

The next few days after that were a blur. Every muscle in my body was numb, and my phone was blowing up with messages from friends checking in.

My junior year of high school almost matches how hard it was to move to college, but in an entirely different way. See, grieving is a million times harder because most times, you don’t get to say goodbye. At the beginning of September, we had traveled to Cleveland to see Aunt Loretta, but I couldn’t let myself think it was the last time I would see her. I didn’t think it was goodbye.

For a long time, I was so angry. I would try to organize my feelings through writing, but would end up getting too overwhelmed. I hid a lot of what I was feeling from my family and friends, because I couldn’t let them know what was going on inside. Grieving takes a lot of time, and it’s different for each and every person. It’s been three years since Aunt Loretta died and I like to say I’ve healed. She was so kind, selfless, and the toughest person I know.

You never truly are the same when someone so close to you leaves this earth. I think of her sometimes, maybe not as much as I used to. But at this time of year, it’s hard not to fall back into old feelings, and it’s like it’s happening all over again.

Now, one of the best times of the year. Everyone loves fall. But if you lost a loved one or know someone who did, maybe set down your pumpkin spice latte and take some time to yourself or be there for someone else.