Stuck in a slump

This time of year, I think everyone gets into a funk.

For the last few weeks, I’ve noticed I’ve been stuck in this crabby mood. I don’t want to do anything, I don’t want to go anywhere. I just want to sit and do nothing.

Well, I’m in college and as busy as I’ve ever been. So that doesn’t work too well. It’s that time of year. The stress is high and the motivation is low. Unfortunately, it’s the time in the semester where you have to buckle down and get it together. But instead I would rather go home, lay on the couch, and watch holiday specials on the Food Network with my mom.

Thanksgiving is right around the corner, so I’m on the home stretch before I finally get to go home. I have about one week before I’ll be starting the journey back to Cody for the first time since August.

But something about the break being so close makes it so hard to stick it out and be strong. Last year, I noticed that the days leading up to Christmas break were some of the absolute hardest. Why did I feel that way? I was so close to being done for the semester and going home, but I still had this crippling stress and constant anxiety, despite the upcoming break.

I remember calling my mom on the day I was leaving to come home for Christmas break.

“Sara, you’re literally going to be here in the next twelve hours,” she said.

“But, Mom. I can’t do it. I can’t make it,” I sobbed in response.

“You can do it.”

Bless my parents and their patience with me and my rollercoaster of emotions. I know I'm not the easiest to console.

Overthinking and stressing myself out is something I’ve become an expert at. I can’t help it, I don’t know who I am if I’m not a ball of stress.

This year, the funk started a lot earlier and is lasting a lot longer. There are some days I’m in a fine mood, and feel like I can do it, while there are other days I honestly have to drag myself out of bed and force myself to go to class. Everybody has days like that. Maybe I have some more than others.

I’ve realized this year I’ve let myself hold in everything. Every thought, every emotion, stays jumbled up in my head until I’m like a shaken up bottle of pop. And sometimes, I just burst.

I’ve only had a few moments like this, and I think to some extent it’s understandable. But it’s not healthy. It's not good to keep everything bottled up, because it hurts a lot more when you finally let it all out. I didn't use to be this way.

Growing up has caused me to forget about my own needs and problems and focus solely on getting through and helping others along the way. It’s just easier that way. Okay, it’s not, but I try and convince myself that it is.

In my spiral of stress, I’ve put a lot of things on hold. I’ve stopped taking care of myself and eating healthy. I just do anything I can to make it through each day. I don’t like it this way, but sometimes you hit a wall, and it takes you much longer to get up than you ever thought it would.

I don’t give myself a lot of time to process things or relax. I live my life full speed ahead, even if it means I get burnt out. Even if it means mindlessly and numbly going through each day, not engaging in anything but just getting things done that need to be done.

When do I stop and enjoy the little things? When do I stop going through the motions and start savoring every moment? I know that moment is precious, and every day is a gift, but sometimes when you’re at this point, you’re not thinking about that anymore.

This past weekend, I finally had the time to do absolutely nothing. Yes, I had homework. I had laundry to do. My apartment was a mess. But I was finally exhausted enough to let myself just sit and do nothing. And I took advantage of every moment.

I spent the entire day on Saturday talking on the phone with my family and watching Netflix, and the entire day Sunday laying on the couch watching Disney movies and eating an obscene amount of junk food.

Did this make me feel better? No, actually.

As much as I think I enjoy sitting around doing nothing, when I finally do just that, I think about everything that’s stressing me out and all the things I should be doing. I feel unproductive and useless, which is not a feeling I'm used to.

So even though I’m still feeling a little stuck, and a little crabby, I’m going to plunge into this last week of class before Thanksgiving. Maybe I should take the time to enjoy the little things.

After all, that’s what it’s all about, right?