Taking small steps everyday

It’s been a long time since I’ve written a blog. I think it’s time I get back into it.

Spring semester is always a little rocky at the beginning. A new schedule, new stress, and new responsibilities. Sometimes it takes longer than it should to get settled in. I’m about a month into my fourth semester here at USD. And let me just say, things are so different.

Not bad different, but definitely different.

Last year, the spring semester was much more difficult than I expected. Finally getting to go home and being thrown back into school with a new schedule when I’d finally gotten used to the old one was a challenge to say the least.

I was having a lot of trouble being positive, and not worrying about what was going on back home. The day I came back to school, my dad ended up in the hospital with an extreme panic attack. I felt like I never should have left. I know it wasn’t my fault, and I couldn’t help that I went to school far away. But I couldn’t help but carry just a little bit of guilt and a lot of worry, which weighed me down when I was trying to start fresh.

I didn’t really let myself branch out and be happy the way I’d wanted to. Instead I just stayed in my dorm room, went to class, and sometimes hung out with my few friends.

I didn’t want to be here.

Because of my parents constant support and pushing, I managed to make it through the spring semester. And here we are, in another spring semester, stronger than ever.

Or maybe not.

In all honesty, I think I started out this semester pretty strong. I was actually excited to be back in Vermillion because I had so much to come back to. All my amazing friends, new opportunities in student media, and a fresh schedule of classes were waiting for me.

But now, I feel myself struggling.

It’s getting hard again.

In the last few weeks, I’ve had a lot of things happen that have caused my stress and anxiety to be a lot more prominent in my life. I’ve wanted a lot more time by myself, because I don’t always have enough energy to put on a happy face and pretend I’m okay.

I’ve found that there are some people in my life who aren’t what I thought they were, for good and bad reasons.

I’ve become a lot more focused on just getting through the school day and getting everything done than my personal relationships. I’d cancel plans with someone over and over again before I don’t get all of my work done.

I’m not sure what set this off. But for a while I’ve just felt… weird.

That’s not the best word but we’re going with it.

I feel like I’m holding my breath, and I’m just waiting to pop. Sometimes it’s all too much. Sometimes all I want is to be back home with my family, with my parents and sisters right there when I need them, and my biggest worry is getting some pointless chores done or what we’re having for dinner.

When I left to go back to school at the beginning of January, it was uncertain when I would see any of my family again. I knew I’d see Mom in March for our spring break trip, and my older sister has recently planned a visit to come see me, but what about Dad? What about my little sister?

Most of the time, I’m okay with not being close to home. It’s what I wanted. But, it’s a hollowing feeling knowing that I won’t be back at home again until the summer.

I think this is all part of growing up and anyone can feel free to tell me that I’ll get through it and it’s completely normal. It doesn’t make it any easier. It’s unsettling, feeling lost and not know exactly how to explain it. It’s tough smiling when you feel the tears blocked up in your eyes but don’t know what’s wrong, so you don’t let them fall. It’s hard being brave all the time.

I guess one thing I need to realize is that it’s actually okay to not be brave all the time. I’ve told other people that, but I can’t seem to believe it myself. This is one area I really need to work on, and I think a lot of us could work on that.

The way I’m trying to work through this constant limbo of “what is going on in my life” is setting small goals for myself. Even it’s the smallest thing, achieving gives me just a little piece of mind.

To push through these next few weeks, I’m going to keep these things in mind. And for anyone else struggling right now, I hope these help you out too.

1. Take a hot minute for yourself every day.

2. Be brave.

3. Stay sparkly and extra focused.

4. Hang in there.

5. Remember to just breathe.